A Deeper Look: Childhood Trauma and its Effects on Our Romantic Relationships
Image Source: Claudia Barbu (Pinterest)
A Deeper Look: Childhood Trauma and its Effects on Our Romantic Relationships
In the last blog post we explored childhood trauma and how it can have debilitating effects on our mental and emotional health, which often goes unnoticed and ignored by those around us. As we grow into adults, these experiences continue to affect us, and we continue to carry them into our romantic relationships. In this blog post, we’ll touch on how childhood trauma creates the belief "there is something wrong with me," and how this belief gets reflected in our attachments styles, leading to anxious and avoidant behavior. We will also discuss how we can overcome these attachment styles and lead a healthier, happier and more fulfilling romantic life.
How Childhood Trauma Is Reflected In Intimate Relationships
Our childhood experiences shape our beliefs, especially about ourselves. If we have had experiences that lead to the belief that "there is something wrong with me," this belief can create insecurities that affect our romantic relationships.
Click here to read my previous blog focusing on how childhood trauma creates the belief “there is something wrong with me”.
These insecurities can reflect in our relationships styles - also referred to as attachment styles, leading to anxious or avoidant behavior. Anxious attachment styles stem from feeling like we need to pacify and control others' emotions. We worry about being abandoned or rejected and may go to extreme lengths to ensure that our partner stays with us. In contrast, avoidant attachment styles stem from feeling like we cannot depend on anyone and focusing on self-reliance. We distance ourselves from our partners, fearing that they may hurt us.
A Tendency To Internalise Our Partner’s Emotions
Another common pattern is thinking that our partner's mood is determined by us. We often expect our partner to behave in a certain way and internalise their emotions. We assume that their bad mood is because of us, leading to feelings of guilt and shame. In these situations, it's essential to remember that the other person's emotional state is not always related to us. It's important to acknowledge that they have their stuff going on that isn't about us and that we aren't always responsible for their emotions.
The Power Of Communication and Balance In Relationships
Overcoming anxious and avoidant attachment styles can be challenging but definitely not impossible. The first step is to recognise the behaviour patterns and work towards changing them. Instead of pacifying and controlling our partner's emotions, it's important to communicate our needs effectively. We need to learn to express ourselves without fearing the outcome or without the need to control what our partner feels. Additionally, we need to develop a sense of self-reliance but not distance ourselves from our partners. We must create a healthy balance that allows us to be ourselves and also be there for our partners.
There’s Room For You Both - You Don’t Need To Abandon Yourself To Accomodate Your Partner
Lastly, we become selfish in the healthiest expression possible. This means that we prioritise our happiness and emotional well-being without compromising that of our partners. It's okay to have boundaries and not agree with our partners on everything. We need to communicate what we want and what we need to feel secure in the relationship. We also need to be open to our partner's communication and acknowledge what they're saying. If we're not open to our partner's emotions, we're not selfish; we're self-involved. It’s not either you or them, it’s a balance of accommodating both parties and their needs.
Remember…
Our childhood experiences can shape our beliefs and behaviours, especially in our romantic relationships. Childhood trauma can lead to the belief that "there is something wrong with me," leading to anxious and avoidant attachment styles. These attachment styles can reflect in our behaviour, and cause unhealthy and unenjoyable relationship dynamics. However, recognising patterns and changing behaviours can lead to healthier, happier and more fulfilling relationships. Communication, self-reliance, and developing a healthy balance of priorities are essential for our well-being and that of our partners. It's important to remember that our partners' emotional state isn't always related to us, and we must respect their feelings while communicating our own.
It is essential to be gentle and hold compassion for ourselves as we move through patterns that we may of held for a long time. It is all a process and one does not need to be totally ‘healed’ overnight to be able to work with these patterns in a healthy way. We can hold this new awareness in a powerful way as we move toward shifting these patterns to create healthier relationships.
The process of healing childhood wounds can feel extremely liberating and have deeply positive effects on our relationship with ourselves and others.
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